Last week was a hard week. But this week, much better. I think I reached some kind of ground zero with my feelings toward my former friend. Something shifted. Like turning a telescope around, she went from looming large to looking quite small. Instead of feeling anger, I feel pity. Instead of a broken heart, I feel almost lucky. I have moved into gratitude and it feels so much better.
"Draw a circle around your family. That is the most important circle." Last year, when I was in the maelstrom of my crisis, I saw this tweet (by Natasha Badhwar, and if you aren't following her already, you really should) and it was one of those moments. When you read something and it captures perfectly the lesson that you are trying to learn. The lesson that maybe the universe is trying to teach you, if you believe in things like that.
I draw a circle around my family, and we are all here inside the circle. It's true I lost a friend, but the most important people in my life are all here. And there are even gifts to be found in something like a terrible betrayal. There were my three friends who rose to the occasion like you wouldn't believe. There were my aunts who were ready to do whatever I needed. The gift is the knowledge that no matter what comes up in the future, these people will be there for me. That is a huge thing, much bigger than last year's bad behavior of a friend.
She lost more than me. And she has to live with her choices. If I feel anger, I refocus on what a flawed human being she it, and the anger deflates like an old balloon. I don't think this is forgiveness, but it might be a kind of acceptance. And I feel like I have re-centered myself on who I am and what I know.
And I can still draw a circle around my family, because my family is here with me every day. My family that Brian and I made together. And I feel grateful.