The scenario: this morning is like any other except that Shmendrick isn't feeling well. He has vomited twice and doesn't want to eat his breakfast. He had a rabies booster yesterday, and you are concerned that he may be having a reaction. Your husband points out that you should probably call the vet and ask for advice. But you are busy making breakfast for your child and husband, letting the dog in and out of the back door, and trying to catch part of the today show about the crazy woman who had twenty people in the delivery room.
Your husband gets dressed, and then calls the vet himself while you clean up the child and start to fix your own breakfast. The vet tells your husband to bring the cat in for observation. You husband hangs up, turns to you and says, "You're going for a drive."
Your response: "Can't you take him?"
His response: blank stare.
You can see the wheels spinning in his head. Me take him? The whole point of this division of labor thing is so you can take the cat to the vet. I have a JOB.
You try to explain: "It's just that I am still in my pjs, and so is Miles. And my breakfast is half made. And it is almost naptime. And it is difficult to do the stroller and carry the cat carrier into the vet. You are dressed and about to leave for work. I know it is out of your way, but . . ." You don't remind him that last night he called just before Miles's bathtime and asked you to bring him his glasses, contact case, jeans and a t-shirt because he needed to work late, which you happily did. You don't mention that he worked all weekend so you had to take care of Miles, and that maybe he could do this one thing. You also forget about the fact that he woke up yesterday morning with Miles, fed him breakfast and let you sleep in until 9 am, and that he has to leave work early today to make it home for Tuesday night dinner.
He agrees to take the cat to the vet.
You: "Are you going to be mad at me all day?" you ask.
Husband: "Probably."
You: "Well, I don't know what to do. I don't want to take the cat but I don't want you to be mad at me."
Husband: "You should have just taken him. But now I am going to."
And he does. You finish your breakfast, nurse your child, put him in the crib for his nap, feel guilty and write a blog entry about it.
So tell me: who should take the cat to the vet? The one who is dressed and about to walk out the door to go to work, but will have to drive out of his way and be late for his JOB, at which he has a big thing happening this Friday in one of his cases? Or the one who is still in her pajamas and will have to abandon her breakfast, dress herself and the child, struggle with the stroller and the cat carrier, then deal with the child who falls asleep in the car, wakes up on transfer to the crib, and then won't nap, not to mention the fact that she has been doing mostly everything around the house the past few days and could use a little help around here?
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10 comments:
First off, no feeling guilty. You both juggle lots of things, and sometimes you're both bound to feel overworked. You were very nice not to point out that your JOB is so much more important than his, so kudos for that. I'm commenting, but the truth is, I have no advice (other than the no feeling guilty part). He'll be mad, you'll feel guilty, and the cat and the boy will both be well-cared-for in the end. I don't think division of labor is about equality, but balance. Who can handle what, when. A true partner should be willing to take on more of the burden when his mate is having trouble, even if he is already carrying a full load, right? (no blame there, just using the singular pronoun.) Hang in there.
Oh no you didn't.
Of course, just because you've got the important job doesn't mean you can't take the cat to the vet.
Better?
Lumpyheadsmom - (it is very funny to write that :) - thanks so much for your comment. I like what you said about the division being more about balance than equality. It is so easy to start keeping score, and think that is what is important. I often think the ideal would be to have both parents work part-time, rather than the more traditional one parent works while one stays home. But that isn't feasible with a lot of jobs, especially in law.
As for Brian's comment, he was referring to me posting about our morning. He is so busy at work this week that he didn't have any downtime to think about the morning the way I did, and even though I tried to be fair (I did point out that I forgot all about how sweet it was of him to do everything yesterday morning) he still felt like I left things out (he was at work until 2 am and then up again at 6 am, so he was really tired).
I hope you didn't feel like he was attacking you for commenting. I know he likes reading comments on the blog as much as I do. Thanks again for your thoughts.
I didn't feel attacked, but I was worried that I had offended Brian with the "you do more important stuff than he does" remark. Glad that's not the case. (Although I'm him imagining him thinking, "hmm, now that you mention it. . .")
This exchange has generated some thoughts about a post of my own - is it okay if I link to you?
Lumpyheadsmom: link away. I will look for your post. And I agree (as does Brian) that the work we do at home with Miles is more important that what gets done at the office. But it gets hard when Brian has deadlines at the office and has to work late every night. Luckily his thing at work will be done on Thursday.
Hmm, now that you mention it . . .
No, just teasing. And Heather is right, the "Oh no you didn't" was tongue-in-cheek directed at Heather, as in "Oh no you didn't just out me to all the world as a guy who thinks his JOB is more imporant than his Monkeypie."
We've been so lucky that my job has been slow and very live-able lately, and I think we're both getting our butts kicked by my very sudden level of absolute, absurd business right now. It hasn't been easy for either of us - it certainly isn't easy researching & cranking out documents 7 days a week sometimes until 2 a.m., and neither is it easy being the only one dealing with poop, pee, pissyness, peas, and poop. We've both been troopers.
But I still think Heather should have taken Shmendrick to the vet. I'm tired of being the only nurturer in this family.
OH YES I DID!
So . . . how's Shmendrick doing now that he made it to the Vet?
He is fine (completely overshadowed by the who-will-take-him debate). The vet gave him a couple of shots and said he probably had some kind of reaction to the rabies vaccine. But he is fine now.
I wish I lived just a little closer and then I could come over and give you both a break - it sounds like you need one. If Brian's work load keeps up like this I could come out for a couple of days before the big event next month? I would suggest you come home for a few days so I can spoil YOU a bit - how does breakfast in bed with the papers sound, while I watch Miles? My intuition tells me however that this would be a very poor substitute for Brian, whose company I think you are in need of more than anything. Having been in the identical spot myself I can REALLY relate. But knowing the strength of the bond you two have, your combined senses of humor and your honesty, I don't worry about you. This too shall pass. But come home if you can. I am missing you all terribly. Can I bribe you perhaps - let's see. what's the next big thing you need for Miles?!
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